Mandylion

I have not been able to sit down and blog for a while now. I really have wanted to make more time to do so. I always feel so indecisive on where I would like to write. I would rather write for a little bit more purpose, maybe an article or an essay that will get a grade, you know…something like that. However, I do enjoy free writing in blogs and not worrying to much about grammar and punctuation.  So a little update about myself, I have moved back in with my boyfriend in McDonough. I have been there for 4 months now. I have joined and gym to try and lose the weight I gained over two years of a desk job (25 lbs or so) and so far, I have lost some of it. I also enrolled in school and that is a great feeling, although it can be hard to juggle both school and work at times. On a happiness scale (10 being estatically finatically happy) I would place myself right at aboutttttt…….a 6.  I don’t enjoy coming home alone to an empty house after a stressful and miserable day at work. I no longer enjoy my job and I certainly dispise my 30 mile commute which takes about 4 hours out of my day, each day.  I often times get home, and immediately get in to a funk where I don’t want to do anything. I could be six o clock and dark outside and I will want to go to bed and wake up the next day. When I wake up the next day, I don’t want to get up at all. But its because I don’t want to drive 2 hours to work, and then come home and repeat the process all over again.

I really love my boyfriend. He is my best friend. I admire the person that he is. I am absolutely giddy around him, when I see him. I hate how everyone thinks that we see each other all the time since “We live together” but they don’t understand that he works nights, i work days, and we see each other in the road passing each other as we flash our headlights to say hi. it’s hard. mostly because he is the only person that I know in McDonough and I can’t do things with friends after work if I have an hour drive back home, that sucks.  So that is my update. I also really like looking at clothes and accessories and shoes online and planning outfits but then I realized what good is a good outfit if you dont have anywhere to wear it? 

waa waa..poor me.. i should just change something in my life, and I believe I can…it’s just going to be hard to stay patient untill the right opportunity comes along!

oxfords…. presh  

I’m knocking on the door to your friendship. And I have a lot to give. I don’t want to be outside of inside jokes. And I ain’t to proud to beg… but I don’t want to be you to make time for me. I need my own thing. My own circle. I miss that feeling.

wondering why my fork is cleaning my dish brush…

oh yea, melted cheese and hot water make for a messy combo.

ps…in school, when people wanted to borrow you pens or pencils, they asked.

why doesn’t that apply at work?

I wish that I could describe the way that I am feeling lately. I am so wishy-washy with my self and my feelings that I don’t even know how I feel anymore. It’s almost like once I have made my mind up about something, my mind CHANGES it’s mind without asking me first, and I just have to roll with it. Almost like I am not in control of my own thoughts. Its a good thing I am a good sport about it, I just kind of think, “well I feel this way now, but who knows how I will feel about this in a week.”

I am also feeling out of touch with people.  I don’t understand certain things people do and why they do it. Hateful acts, jealous acts, annoying things that are done purposely to affect someone. I am wondering more and more why we can just BE.

Be you. Be in your world. Interact with people around you and just be.

I love listening to people and getting to know them and I love how different everyone is. I feel like I am seeing right through some people and I feel the need to make them know that I KNOW they aren’t being completely real. Don’t contridict yourself, just keep it real..with yourself and with everyone.

I can be lazy, and I can be mellow, I am loud, I am overly sensitive, I am creative but the lazy-ness kind of overtakes that, I am the type of person that dreams bigger than I live…”head in the clouds” if you will…

 I can be flakey but it’s not personal..I am just socially akward and would rather be alone most of the time unless you have let your wall down and I feel fully comfortable.

BUT I KNOW THESE THINGS about myself. And I don’t pretend to be anyone else. and if there is a characteristic in you that I admire, I respect you for it. And I will let you know that I admire that in you. WHAT IS THE HARM OF GIVING SOMEONE A COMPLIMENT. They deserve it.  WE SHOULDN’T ever try to replicate something, or make it ous. It’s yours..have it, originality in humanity is what makes the world such a beautiful and wonderful place. We can not all be the same. Don’t be jealous that someone is skinnier, wittier, prettier, more vibrant or luckier, and craftier, or wealthier. Take it for what it is, be you, and who knows..maybe someone admires things about you, but if you try to be just like someone else…that what happens to the you that you are born to be?

I wish for one day I could wake up, (on time) and go to work. I wish that everyone that I work with will leave me alone or atleast give me a pat on the back with a side of “good-job.” (yea right) Drama-Free, and stress-free. I am a firm believer that when something starts to make you un-happy and break you down, you have to pick up the pieces and move on. When you feel like you have gotten everything from one situation that you possibly can get to use and grow as a person, then it’s also time to move on.

And right now, as much as I want to move on, (and away) there are many things holding me back. I guess its not my time to spread my wings just yet.